My life in China, Part 17- Meeting the in-laws

The first time you meet your significant other’s parents is always stressful, but when you’re already married when you do so, come from different cultures, and don’t even speak the same language, it’s terrifying. I found myself in this situation in early 2006. My wife and I married in September, and the first time I met my new in-laws was at the end of January during Chinese New Year. Of course, being New Year, I wouldn’t just meet the in-laws. I would jump right into meeting the entire extended family- two grandmothers, a grandfather, six aunts, four uncles, eight cousins, and even a new member of the family, my wife’s cousin’s son (I think I got that count right). It was a whirlwind of confusion, laughs, and lots of food. Did it all go smoothly? No, but that was expected. Nothing about our marriage was traditional. I think we broke just about every rule for both our cultures. But that’s ok. We found our own path and created our own traditions.

In late January, we boarded a train and started our journey from Baoding to Dalian, connecting through Beijing. As this was before China’s new high-speed rail system, it was a bit of a long haul. Two hours from Baoding to Beijing, a crazy bus ride from the east/west station to the north/south station in Beijing, and then a 12+ hour sleeper train from Bejing to Dalian. It only takes about 6 hours now with China’s 200 + mph bullet train, but back then, it was lazy trains leftover from the ’50s with wood-framed windows and ticking radiator heat. If you haven’t taken a sleeper train, it’s a fun experience and highly recommended. Something is soothing about a belly full of instant noodles, being snug in your little bunk, and being put to sleep by the gentle rocking of a Chairman Mao era train.

Of course, it isn’t easy waking at about 6 am, trying to collect all your belongings in the dark without waking others, stumbling out to the main door with your luggage, and then quickly exiting into a brisk cold air before the train leaves for its next stop. Sleepy-eyed, you are then bombarded by the taxi drivers as you leave the station all before the rise of the sun and the clarity of coffee. Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best condition (or mood) to be making first-time greetings. I had practiced my Chinese to impress. I wanted to make my introduction and ask about their health like a good son-in-law. But in the commotion, it all flew out the window, and I missed the opportunity. It became some awkward handshakes and a retreat to the car.

My in-laws live in the county-level city of Wafangdian under the administration of the larger Dalian metropolitan area in Liaoning Province. It has a population of about 1 million, and its claim to fame is its ball-bearing industry (largest in Asia). It is also known for its diamond mines and produces just over half the nation’s diamonds, which keeps you subconsciously watching your feet if you walk in the hills. Wa in Chinese means tile and fang means house, so the city’s name roughly translates to tile house city, which references the terracotta tiles used to roof the homes in the older parts of town.

Much like Baoding, Wafangdian is the “real” China, and I stuck out there just as much as I stuck out in Baoding, but I love the city. It is large enough to be interesting but small enough to have some culture. The food is great, and everything is so cheap compared to the big cities. The much large Dalian, which is about an hour and a half car ride away and where my father-in-law’s family lives, is a modern city, and because it’s relatively close to Russia, there are plenty of foreigners walking around. Being a peninsula that juts out into the Yellow sea next to the Koreas, Liaoning Province is known for its beach resorts and seafood. I’ve had the pleasure of trying many strange creatures of the sea here, and its wet markets are like visiting an aquarium. Meals in Wafangdian would open a whole new chapter of culinary experiences for me.

The ride to my in-law’s home was a blur of movement and Chinese as my wife chatted with her parents about our journey. Wafangdian was still dark, and I struggled to get a sense of this new place as we drove by the prison (my first in China) and up into the hills to arrive at my wife’s home. I had no idea what to expect, but I did know I was beginning yet another new adventure in China.

My father-in-law was a lawyer and owned his practice (he’s now retired). He was mostly self-taught through a distance learning program but was quite successful in his time. Being part of the legal system and knowing the police of Wafangdian, he was someone of importance in the city during this first meeting. My mother-in-law is a housewife. They lived a comfortable and quiet life until I came along. I hope, if anything, I brought them a bit of excitement. Knowing them for almost 20 years now, living with them for months on end, and traveling large distances together, we are quite close. We don’t always understand what each other is saying, but we know enough, and most importantly, we share a love for their daughter and are willing to sacrifice to make sure she is happy. That creates a special bond.

But back then, I think they were a bit apprehensive of this strange new creature in their lives, and I don’t blame them. Having an American son-in-law, their experience was still quite rare in China. Most Chinese parents would go through the motions of their culture like their parents did before them. Their daughter would marry a nice Chinese husband in a lavish wedding with lots of food and joy. Their daughter and new husband would then buy their apartment, have their child, and mirror their parents’ lives in many ways. They would have experiences that have remained relatively the same for millennia as one of the world’s oldest continuous cultures. None of that would happen here. I still don’t really know how they feel about that, but my wife has a strong will, and they probably didn’t have much choice. Having lived through a rather tumultuous period of Chinese history, they are very good at adapting.

That isn’t to say they weren’t kind to me, quite the contrary. My new parents welcomed me into their home and made sure I was comfortable, even if they were not, and I can’t thank them enough for that. They have always been incredibly generous and sacrificed much to make sure we were happy in life. I’ve tried to return the favor over the years and have welcomed them into my own home for extended stays on multiple occasions. We’ve been through a lot together. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst, but those experiences have been essential in cementing bonds. Now, I love them like my own parents and I think they feel the same.

This particular trip was quick, a little more than a week. We only had so much time off from work, but there were plenty of memorable experiences. We made dumplings on New Years, I cooked my in-laws some of my famous (not really) pasta and meat sauce (picture above), and I met and enjoyed meals with my wife’s extended family, especially her grandparents (all of which are still alive and in their 90s) and my wife’s new nephew (who is now 16- time flies). My wife and I went through her picture albums, where I got to know her better. We took a trip to Dalian, and I experienced another new Chinese city. We went shopping in the underground malls, visited some essential sites, and had great seafood. It would be just the first of many trips to Wafangdian and Dalian and was certainly the quickest of the lot, but it was a great experience. Her family never resisted, never looked down upon me, and did nothing but welcome me into their lives. Although I will always be an outsider, I came just about as close as any foreigner can get to being Chinese and experiencing Chinese culture from the inside.

I miss China. When we were younger, we traveled back about every other year. But as we get older, it gets harder. Taking anything more than a few weeks off work is difficult now, and traveling back there for anything less than three weeks doesn’t feel worth it, both for the expense and the travel time. As the holidays gave us a bit more flexibility with vacation time, and the cycle of higher education made this time period a downtime, we would often travel back to China over Christmas. Now, with the pandemic and the travel ban between the US and China, who knows when we will be able to get back again.

As hard as this is for me, I know that it is heartbreaking for my wife. Sure, she video calls her parents every night, but she hasn’t physically seen them in more than a year (now more than two). They were supposed to come for a visit this summer for three months, but with COVID, that isn’t going to happen. With it being the Holiday season, it weighs heavily on her. Her father turns 70 in January, a big deal in China, yet she can’t be there with him and help him celebrate. The best we can do is have a cake delivered and this is incredibly sad for everyone. This year has been a bitch and I am sure I’m not alone when I say that I can’t wait to see it go.

Sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like if we didn’t leave China. You may even be asking why we did? That, too, is an interesting story and one I will touch on in my next post. Until then, Happy Chinese New Year! I can’t thank you all enough for joining me on this journey! Make sure to check back often and consider following me. There is still much to tell.

Cheers!