Fall from grace

Recently, I was scrolling through the blogs I follow, which I do once or twice daily (got to support my people). It is an endless list of promotions, author interviews, reviews, sample chapters, synopsis, life lessons of the struggling author, etc. I suddenly became overwhelmed by it all. I realized I wasn’t just skimming over their content. I was browsing their hopes and dreams. Worse, I was one of them. Just another dreamer with fingers-crossed that the lighthouse beam of fame, fortune, and most importantly, respect would shine upon me. Some of this feeling was the sheer volume of the competition, but the rest was just hopelessness that there was no end to the rigmarole.

Uh oh, hold on, there’s about to be a pity party!

I don’t want to be a whiner. I see plenty of those posts, too, and cringe. I say to myself, “Suck it up! We’re all struggling.” But then I catch myself because sometimes we all must vent. Sure, some of us keep it locked inside as if to show doubt will somehow jinx us. We put on that fake smile and act like poor sales, and bad reviews don’t bother us because we’re professionals, and this is all part of the game- when, in fact, we’re screaming inside.

Yes, sometimes I grow sick of the indie author game and wonder if I’m wasting my time. At that moment of doubt, I have a minor existential crisis. If you, too, play the indie author game, you know precisely what I’m talking about. I say, shout it out for all to hear! That is the cathartic joy of writing, and it goes a long way to demonstrate humanity through weakness if only to get that pat on the back to help you keep going.

Since I started this journey in March of 2020, it has been a constant push forward, with the game occupying all my free time. Whether writing, marketing, researching, dwelling, or posting, I devote hundreds of hours of my time per week to this dream. I’m not looking for sympathy. This statement is merely a fact. I know I’m not alone in this struggle, and I’m pretty sure others push even harder for fewer positives, for there is always someone worse off than you until you’re dead. Have I grown? Yes, as both a person and a writer. Do I see progress? Sure, some. If you’re reading this, that is a triumph in and of itself. Is it worth it? Who knows. I guess we’ll find out. But man, what a fight it has been.

This most recent bout of questioning it all came after posting a sample first chapter of the book I’m presently working on (here if you’re interested). That day, I saw the highest single-day sales since I started, sending me to cloud nine. I won’t put here what that was because it’s embarrassing, but it was a personal triumph. As you might imagine, my first thought was- finally. It lasted just a few hours. The next day, I started my daily routine of checking my Amazon keywords and found that my book had vanished from the search results for several of my best strings and drastically fell to no man’s territory for the others. Here I was expecting a nice little boost and increased exposure (for the uninitiated, typically, the more you sell, the more Amazon helps you along). Instead, I scrolled through hundreds of pages of books with mine nowhere to be found. My sales dropped to zero and stayed that way for a month. Talk about a thorough dousing of the hubris. Luckily, a little vacation came just in time to help me recharge.

I almost wish I were alone in my “bad luck” because I could raise my fist to the heavens and scream, “why me?” But a quick search exposed hundreds of like or similar horror stories, and it reduced me to just another bitter dreamer. Don’t believe me? Read this recent article.

What happened? Hell, if I know, and it’s not like I can contact Amazon to ask. My guess is that the sudden increase in sales may have triggered a red flag in the all-mysterious Amazon algorithm jettisoning my beloved books to the ether. Amazon likes slow, steady, and sure growth- a predictable path they can easily forecast, estimate, and cash in on. Me selling a couple more books than usual is a microscopic drop in the bucket for them. Thus, sending me to the end of the line just in case my sudden sales were a sign of a problem doesn’t affect them one bit. I know all this, I’ve been through this and other hiccups several times, and I’ve picked up the pieces and slugged on again and again, just like I did this time (I don’t have much choice anyway, Amazon makes up 70% of the market), but it still sucks.

I love to write, especially fiction, and I can’t stop. After a long day confronted by several kinds of hell, it is often the one thing that brings me joy (other than my family, of course). I slip into my created worlds, and everything else melts away. I don’t fret about sales, marketing, Amazon, or even if someone likes my writing. I don’t worry about the many stresses of my day job or even about what tomorrow will bring. And, I certainly don’t agonize about the world crumbling around me. I simply ease into the role of a creator, gently guiding my characters on their journey of discovery, and it is bliss.

All pleasure is defined by pain, so to truly know success, we must have failure. With this in mind, I again push forward.

If you’re interested in my fiction work, you can find it here.

Cheers!