Last week, the official travel agency of Lucardia offered a carefully curated introduction to some of the kingdom’s finest destinations. You can find those here. This week, in the interest of transparency, we have agreed to publish some of our best comments from travelers who actually visited them.
The Lucardian Tourism Board has graciously provided official responses.
Blackdown
★★☆☆☆ — “Pack for winter. Even in summer.”
We visited in July. It rained for four straight days, the wind never stopped, and I spent more coin on fur than I did on lodging. The locals assured us this was considered pleasant weather, and if we didn’t stop complaining, we’d be put in the stocks—naked.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Beat the summer crowds with Blackdown’s naturally air-conditioned climate! Discover a culture where warmth is shown through playful actions.
★★★☆☆ — “Beautiful city. Cheerful people apparently unavailable.”
The black stone and pointed roofs of the castle are impressive, but everyone looks miserable. I smiled at a man in the market, and he stared at me with his hand on his axe until I apologized.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Enjoy authentic Northling hospitality without the exhausting burden of small talk!
★☆☆☆☆ — “Returned twenty years later. Couldn’t find it.”
I visited Blackdown in my youth and wanted to show it to my children. After twenty days of travel, and almost losing one of my children to wolves, we found there is nothing there now. No ruins. No foundations. Nothing. Even the soil appears to have been salted.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Now featuring unmatched sightlines, zero congestion, and acres of undeveloped land!
Dagon Light
★★☆☆☆ — “Spectacular lighthouse. Staff clearly did not want guests.”
The monks barely spoke to us, the beds were terrible, and supper consisted largely of bread I suspect had been baked during the previous dynasty. We found weevils in it.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Added protein at no extra charge!
★★★☆☆ — “Nobody knows anything.”
I asked who built the lighthouse. Nobody knew. I asked how old it was. Nobody knew. I asked why such an enormous structure was built in the middle of the Sea of Styx. The monk serving us suddenly remembered he had taken a vow of silence.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Leave your questions behind and rediscover the lost art of wondering!
★★☆☆☆ — “Where did all the monks go?”
Returned several years after my first visit. The monks have apparently vanished, and the military now runs the lighthouse. Nobody seemed eager to explain why.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Same iconic destination, exciting new uniforms!
Battenridge
★★★☆☆ — “More soldiers than tourists.”
Beautiful old city, but I have never seen this many armed men in one place outside a battlefield. Soldiers at the gates, soldiers in the streets, soldiers in the taverns. I asked one for directions because he was simply the nearest person.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Battenridge puts visitor security first, second, third, and roughly every twenty feet thereafter!
★★☆☆☆ — “Do not make sudden movements.”
I dropped my cup at dinner. Three soldiers reached for their weapons.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Service so attentive, even your tableware gets a response!
★★★☆☆ — “Lovely reconstruction. Makes you wonder what happened to the original.”
Our guide kept proudly pointing out which parts of Battenridge had been rebuilt. Eventually I stopped asking what happened to the parts they replaced.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Experience the charm of an old city with a new face!
Grassglen
★☆☆☆☆ — “Entering was easy. Apparently that was the trap.”
It took us twenty minutes to enter Grassglen and three days to leave. Every clerk insisted we needed one more signature, seal, form, authorization, or person who had just gone to lunch.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Come for the border crossing. Stay because your paperwork says you have to!
★☆☆☆☆ — “I have filled out fewer forms to buy property.”
By the end of the first day, I had signed so many documents that I was no longer certain whether I was crossing the border, importing livestock, or marrying one of the customs officials.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Grassglen: where every journey comes with a complimentary administrative subplot!
★★☆☆☆ — “Four inns beside the checkpoint. Now I know why.”
We planned to just pass through, uninterested in a run-down border town. We were forced to stay a week. Luckily, there were plenty of inns at the crossing.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Conveniently located lodging for travelers experiencing minor, temporary, entirely routine documentation delays!
Sentinel Gorge
★☆☆☆☆ — “I could see through the bridge.”
Not between the railings. Through the bridge.
Several planks were missing, the chains groaned constantly, and every gust of wind caused the entire structure to move in ways I do not believe bridges are supposed to move.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Enjoy unobstructed views of the Westerly River!
★☆☆☆☆ — “The bridge was only the beginning.”
After surviving the bridge, I assumed the worst was over. Instead, the bridge leads directly into a dark, wet tunnel through the mountain.
Apparently this is the road.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Seamlessly transition from open-air adventure to intimate underground exploration!
★☆☆☆☆ — “The graffiti was not reassuring.”
Halfway through the tunnel, someone had scratched TURN BACK into the wall.
Underneath it, another traveler had written TO WHAT?
I have no further comments.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Read centuries of user-generated travel advice exactly where previous guests felt most inspired to leave it!
Highwater
★★★★☆ — “Beautiful. Financially devastating.”
Highwater is magnificent. White marble, waterfalls, enormous towers, beautiful shops, excellent restaurants. Unfortunately, everything costs roughly three times what it should.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Highwater: because memories are priceless and nearly everything else is not!
★★★☆☆ — “The lake is free.”
After paying for our room, dinner, breakfast, parking, and something called an Imperial Hospitality Assessment, I asked our innkeeper what we could do that did not cost money.
He suggested looking at Springval Lake.
Lucardian Tourism Board: Discover one of Highwater’s most exclusive amenities: looking! Act now while supplies last.
★★☆☆☆ — “The Emperor’s castle is literally sitting on the water supply.”
Our guide explained that Springval Lake is sacred and that the great spring beneath the imperial castle feeds rivers throughout Lucardia. I asked whether anyone had objected to Vesper building his palace directly on top of it.
The tour moved on.
Lucardian Tourism Board: See where natural wonder, sacred tradition, and absolute political authority meet in perfect harmony!
The Lucardian Tourism Board Thanks You for Your Feedback
We take every traveler’s comment seriously and remain committed to improving the Lucardian visitor experience. Comments regarding weather, food contamination, excessive military personnel, administrative delays, deteriorating infrastructure, unexplained disappearances, imperial conquest, and the complete destruction of major cities have been forwarded to the appropriate authorities. The lovely and helpful Legion will be contacting you soon. In their care, all your issues will be properly rectified.
Recommended Lucardian Travel Guides
Koen: Quills from the Raven’s Nest is recommended for visitors interested in Blackdown, Dagon Light, political upheaval, religious intrigue, and travel plans that become significantly less organized after departure.
Sylvanus: Swords and Sons (coming soon) offers an extended journey through Battenridge, Grassglen, Sentinel Gorge, and Blackdown. Some destination ratings remain under review.
Discover more from Author Scott Austin Tirrell
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
